How To Scrape By

How To Scrape By

How To Scrape By

Words By Rory Parker

These are a few ways to deal with the poverty level existence you’ve condemned yourself to. In this article I will give you a few tips on how to scrape by and make your life a little less miserable. 

I’ve been fired from another job.

I don’t know how many this makes, but it fucking sucks because it means I have to start going out and applying for crappy jobs and pretending that there is nothing more I want to do in the world than bring fat tourists overpriced hamburgers in exchange for pitiful tips. I suck at applying for jobs. I just can’t bring myself to act sufficiently subservient to make myself seem worth hiring. And I’m not. I have the worst attitude ever when it comes to bosses. My chick says I have a problem with authority, but fuck that, I ask, “What authority”?  No one can tell me what to do, especially if it’s some dip shit whos only paying me minimum wage.

But, for the time being I’m destitute. Being a struggling writer doesn’t pay, despite what you may have heard to the contrary. Luckily, due to the temporary nature of my employment, I’ve become rather skilled at being broke without sacrificing my standard of living in order to scrape by. Knowing how to Scrape by is part of my life. It’s not that hard, my standard isn’t too high, but it takes a little maneuvering.

If you’ve gotten this far in this story, chances are you’re broke too. Or, you will be very soon. So I’ve decided to give some pointers on how to to scrape by. These are a few ways to deal with the poverty level existence you’ve condemned yourself to. Or, you could always get a real job, wear a suit, and spend the rest of your life having your soul sucked out, one drop at a time or you can learn how to scrape by like a pro.

1. Spare Change- Saving money sucks. Spare change, however, falls into it’s own little category. Most people don’t pay much attention to it, and it tends to pile up.  Find a big jar and start tossing your change into it. It doesn’t seem like much, but it adds up pretty quick. Right now I’m sitting on an emergency fund of about $150, all change. It’s great because when my bank account is finally empty I’ll still have to to scrape by for cigs and beer making my existence a little better.

 2. Sampling- Grocery stores are really big, and the people who work there hate their jobs.  When you’re hungry, go to the store and open a few boxes of cookies, loaves of bread, whatever. Eat until you’re full, then stash the evidence and bail. If your local store has one of those salad bars, even better. Load up a nice big salad, then walk around the store with a cart. Pretend to shop but really eat everything and then bail. Be stealth, there’s always at least one dude who wants to make his own life seem better by calling the cops and forcing you to scrape by in jail.

3. Medical Testing- That’s right, be a guinea pig. I signed up for a study that paid $700, and all I had to do was let them inject me with an experimental anthrax vaccine. The side effects (anxiety, paranoia and complete loss of appetite) sucked, but now I’m immune to anthrax. Seriously. They do tons of these things a year, the FDA makes sure all drugs are tested really thoroughly before they release them. And, don’t worry if you have some weed in your system. Who do you think normally volunteers for these things? Happy, healthy, well adjusted people?  Also, once you volunteer for one they call you whenever a new one comes up. The other day I got a call to test a new herpes vaccine. No more condoms for me!

4. Don’t be cheap- When you have cash, don’t be a tightwad. If you’re out buying lunch and one of your bros is short, by him a sandwich, or, if you don’t have enough money, give him half of yours. Yeah, you might not be full, but its really good karma, and people remember this type of stuff. When he’s up, he’ll get you back, and it’ll probably be worth more than it cost you the first time around. My friend Bowman and I have this worked out. We never loan anything to each other, only give. This way, when I’m broke he picks up beers, and vice versa.

 5. Take advantage of the church- This one church down the street from me has free pancake breakfasts occasionally. All you have to do is go in and pretend like you’re all bummed. They get all excited because it means they might be able to brainwash you. Scarf down the fruits of their generosity and then bone out. Churches are the easiest scrape by targets.

These are tried and true methods, they’ll help when you’re down. But, whatever you do, no matter how down you are, never resort to violence or robbery. It will fuck you up. And don’t sell out. Getting a real job is just going to make the years spin by until the day you wake up and say, “Oh fuck! Is this what my life has turned into? What have I done?”  But then you’ll be old and fat and bummed and you’ll wish you were dead.

 

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