IN THE END everything will disappear. Love, hope, trust, loyalty, life; no matter how hard we try to delude ourselves with a belief in the eternal, the fact is that the only permanent thing we can ever hope to experience is death. Luckily, the only death that truly matters is your own, and after that last great adventure your worries are at an end. So, eat, drink and be merry, and damn the consequences. After all, burning down our world around us is better than just sitting around and waiting for the sun to kill us. Let the next generation deal with the consequences. It’s what our parents did. Here are ten likely ways our world will end.
ARMAGEDDON #1. Global Pandemic
Forget bird flu, monkey pox, and SARS; the disease that finishes the job birth started will have a numerical designation. Bred in a lab as a measure to enforce population control on the less “desirable” peoples, this baby will boast a one hundred percent mortality rate, something that old bitch, Mother Nature, could never produce on her own. It’ll make your penis explode too, for good measure.
ARMAGEDDON #2. Virtual Reality Porn
Why waste an entire evening trying to talk the old lady into a little back door action when you can just log on and get knobbed off? When we finally master total immersion pornography humanities’ reproductive drives will be wiped clean. The only people having actual sex will be the ones who are too dumb to figure out how the internet works and senior citizens are too old to reproduce.
ARMAGEDDON #3. A Meteor
Meteors are fucked up, I know, I saw that movie with Bruce Willis. Also, the other one with the gay cowboy guy was pretty good. If those two films are any indication, when a giant hunk of space rock slams into the Earth we’re all pretty well screwed. Unless your dad is Dennis Quaid. Then you’d be okay.
ARMAGEDDON #4. Global Warming
Just kidding, global warming isn’t real.
ARMAGEDDON #5. Evangelicals
These deluded hate mongers can’t wait for a second coming that isn’t coming. If they manage to maintain political solvency don’t be surprised if one of ‘em gets a little impatient and tries to hurry things up a bit. A tactical nuclear strike against the Muslim non believers should do the trick.
ARMAGEDDON #6. Mass Suicide
One day everyone will see just how pointless their lives and aspirations really are. Of course, rather than embracing this and ushering in a new age of decadence and adventure, humanity will be born down beneath the weight of its collective melancholy. Worldwide depression will take hold and one day it’ll just be too much to bear. Once the nine billion suicide notes have had time to biodegrade it will be hard to tell that we’d ever been here at all.
ARMAGEDDON #7. Robots
Our government is already developing killbots, it’s only a matter of time until we figure out artificial intelligence and slap it into their cold metal heads. Smarter, faster and stronger than humans, with the ability to reason and fire hot molten lead from their arms; all that remains to be seen is whether they’ll try to enslave all humans or just kill us.
ARMAGEDDON #8. Dragon Attack
Yeah, I know there’s no such thing as dragons, but wouldn’t it be cool? They’d come plummeting from the sky, full of wrath and fire, swooping up virgins and stealing all sorts of treasure for their giant hoards. I’d totally rescue an injured baby dragon and then tame it and learn to ride it. One day, when he was the biggest, strongest dragon in the world I’d ride to war on his back, kicking ass on all the other dragons until they made me their king. I’d probably have to let them eat all the rest of the people on earth, but that seems like a pretty fair trade off to be King of the motherfucking Dragons.
ARMAGEDDON #9. Cell Phones
Constant exposure to cell phone radiation will lead to skyrocketing levels of brain cancer. Sales reps are hit hardest, completing eliminating them from humanities’ breeding stock. The survivors consider, on the whole, pretty much worth it.
If the end has to come in my lifetime, this is the one I’m rooting for. Biblical apocalypse has a nice ring to it (it would be a great name for a Christian metal band) and if all the virtuous people were to disappear at once, I’m not sure anyone would notice. Plus, I think me and the Antichrist would get along well. We share similar interests.