Dear Nabisco

Jay's Wheat Thins Box

Dear Nabisco

Dear Nabisco

Dear Nabisco-
My name is Jay Riggio.  I am a professional writing man. I pair words together in exchange for a check that I use to buy things to help me live better.  I like to buy all sorts of fun things like bubble gun, cashews, coffee and Listerine Strips (they’re often too mint, so I just eat half at a time). But of all the many enjoyable products I like to buy, the one that really makes me burn with joyous satisfaction is– one of YOUR fantastical products…Wheat Thins by Nabisco. I can’t get enough of your lightly salted, 100% whole grain baked to utter perfection snack treat goodness. They’re just so goddamned good. Not to mention, they exist as a very sensible snack for all those health conscious folk. After a tough day of putting my finger tips to the keys, writing extremely complex sentences, using wonderfully placed punctuations and generally wowing my reading audience with my carefully chosen words…I like to kick back on my couch (where I also like to sleep) and get buck wild on a box of your crunchy, wheat heavy snacks. The purpose of my letter is to make your wonderful, wonderful company a proposition.  Ready? Ok, good. Here goes.  I want nothing more in this generally unexciting life than to be sponsored by Wheat Thins by Nabisco. Yep. Similar to the way that racecar drivers, sports figures and rappers endorse certain products, I would like to endorse Wheat Thins. I think I know what you’re thinking right about now (I’m a writer, and I got myself intuition by the ass load baby!) You’re thinking, “How can a silly writer endorse our fabulous snack cracker?” Well whoever might be reading this letter, I got news for you–As a very serious man of words, and I will do my absolute best to plug Wheat Thins religiously. For example, I will wear shirts, a cape, or hats displaying the fabulous Wheat Thin insignia daily (I just love your logo. Kudos to your artist! LOL), plus I will plug the face of your lightly baked butteriness with every thought provoking piece a write. Here’s an example of a final sentence from one of my future stories. “…and little Timmy puked blood into a jelly jar before peacefully slipping away into God’s delicate hands. Big ups Wheat Thins son!” You see.  I’ll give’em compelling shit and then follow up with a real time, in your face advertisement!

I will be exclusively Nabisco’s, I’ll be yours in entirety. I’ll sign a contract, shoot Nabisco press materials and cooperate with any media requests that might go down. I’m all yours. In fact, I’m willing to legally change my last name to ‘Thins.’ I’d be Jay Thins, the only sponsored Wheat Thins writer. How’s that for extreme marketing?! LOL! HA HA! See, it’s the wit behind my writing that’s really going to push Wheat Thins to a whole new level of excitement. All I ask in return for my sponsorship is a daily supply of Wheat Thins up until either the day that my contract is terminated, or I die tragically. With that being said, I would need 5 boxes a day. Now, that’s taking into consideration that often while snacking, others will tap into my box to get some of that irresistible, crunchy goodness as well.  Please hit me back as soon as you can, because at the moment I have some interest from the Cheese Nips people.
Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
-Jay “Wheat Thins” Riggio

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