Jordan Hoffart

Jordan Hoffart

Jordan Hoffart Interview Words by Kendall Klopfenstein. Photos By Deville Nunes

Jordan Hoffart Interview Words by Kendall Klopfenstein. Photos By Deville Nunes

Jordan Hoffart skateboards better than I do. Jordan Hoffart has a more illustrious film career than I do. Jordan Hoffart actually has a girlfriend. The envy doesn’t just stop there. This Canadian street killer has way more myspace friends than I do, gets along better with his family than me with mine, and his acting head-shots make him look like a Brad Pitt that you’d know is capable of his own stunts. If you weren’t aware of this young man’s capabilities, you’ll soon know.

Let me be honest: I didn’t know who this cat was before I was charged with interviewing him. I’m pretty hip to the constantly evolving world of skateboarding, but I didn’t recognize his name just because the editor told it to me. Fortunately, I have and Despite how generic my stalking informational resources might be, they were seemingly effective, as Jordan was amazed at the research I’d done.

Quick background paragraph, so you don’t have to research it. Jordan was the lead role in the WB Kids’ network’s first made-for-television movie. It’s about a skateboarder who is actually an alien that survives a series of attempts on his life from other aliens. From what I’ve gathered, checking a few different movie review sites, the movie sucks. Yes, I know that it is irresponsible of me as a journalist to ask Jordan questions about the movie I haven’t seen, but with impending deadlines and a negative balance on my checking account, I’m not about to spend $8.99 on a movie that absolutely sucks (interesting footnote: he’s having his parents send me a copy of it, so that even after this shit has gone to print, I’ll still be able to not enjoy “Zolar: The Extreme Sports Movie.”)

So first off, what is your full name?
Jordan Eric Hoffart.

Jordan Hoffart Wallie Stale Fish

Jordan Hoffart Wallie Stale Fish

What is Jordan Hoffart’s sign of the zodiac?
Aquarius. The water bearer.

Rattle off your sponsors really fast.

Got it.

Who are they?
Globe shoes?

How do you spell that?
(Laughs) Like, G-L-O-B-E.

Who else?
Bones wheels, Swiss bearings.

Why don’t you just tell everyone that you skate for George?
I’ve been told that I just can’t do that.

You can’t just lump it all together?
No, I’m not supposed to. They spend so much money trying to keep their separate identities.

So Powell, Swiss, Bones, is there a little kids board company that Powell is behind that you skate for, too?
No, nothing like that.

Alright, I’ve got a bunch of questions, so finish up your sponsors, here, bud.
Mada clothing. Independent trucks. Ogio. Project Hardware.

Jordan Hoffart  Feeble Grind

Jordan Hoffart Feeble Grind

Sponsors aside, there are some burning questions that Automatic readers want to know. Has Jordan Hoffart ever signed an autograph?
Yes. I don’t think they knew who I was, though.

Does Jordan Hoffart write “Zolar” in English, or your native Zorkanian language?
(Jordan pauses) That is amazing. Uh, am I in character or out of character?

That depends. Is your skin its natural blue tint, or are you wearing your fleshy make up that makes you look like a human?
Just my human skin.

zolar 2We’ll just pretend you’re a character, then. Next question: which do you do more of: varial heel 50-50’s or read internet bulletin boards regarding Zolar: The Extreme Sports Movie?
Well, seeing is how I’m trying to escape that whole thing, I’d have to go with heelflip varial 50-50’s.

Would you consider yourself an Actor/Skateboarder/Musician, or a Skateboarder/Actor/Musician, or a Musician/Skateboarder/Actor, or which combination of the three?
Where did the music part come in?

I was reading your myspace blog autobiography, and apparently you played in a band called Panterrible.
(Laughing) No, I played in a band called Vulgar. But “Panterrible” is good, too.

Are you more psyched to have “ho” or “fart” in your last name?
I’d say the combo of both makes it tight, you know? You can’t have one without the other. Check this out: my grandpa’s name is “Jack”. But you can’t make fun of him ‘cause he’s dead. But say it in your head. His whole name. Jack Ho Fart.

Okay, then. So what do most people call you? Jordan? Hoffart? Jay to the Hoffness? Or do most people just call you “Zolar”?
(To everyone in the room with him) What do you guys call me? Jordan or Hoffart? Hotfart? Hotfart. I don’t know if I can answer that. What do you call me? They just call me by my last name. Hoffart. But people who don’t pronounce it right call me ho-fart.

 So no one calls you Zolar?
Well, my friends who have seen it know that I’m kind of embarrassed by it, so they don’t say anything about it to my face. But the whole thing was pretty fun. I got to go snowboard and skate for about a month on this mountain. As an alien anyway (Laughing). And I got paid a butt-load of money for the whole thing.

Yeah, I was going to ask you about your royalties on that. Do the checks just keep coming in every month?
No, because it was kind of low budget. It was a buy-out. We’d get paid a daily rate. But if you did a stunt or something, you’d get a pay adjustment. Like if I did something gnarly enough, I’m not sure how they rate that stuff, or whatever. Basically it’s up to the discretion of the stunt coordinator. So if you did something gnarly, you’d get a stunt adjustment. More money.

Sounds like the world of professional skateboarding.
Kind of. It’s like if you won a best trick contest. Kind of like that.

So on that subject, how do you get thirteen hundred myspace friends?
You just say “yes.”

Don’t you think that your large number of friends is a result of you being a widely recognized, inter-planetary superstar?
(Pauses) In part, probably.

Do you think chicks are swooning over Jordan Hoffart head-shots?
No. Not really. They probably just think it’s gay like all the other dudes.

Varial Heel

Varial Heel

So how many girlfriends is Jordan Hoffart juggling right now?
Just one. I’ve got one girlfriend. You could probably google her. She does live performances for Universal Studios. She dances and sings. Her name is Andrea Marino. Google that.

So now, everyone who reads Automatic is going to be staring at your girlfriend on the internet.
I’m confident with our relationship.

I saw that you got your older sister’s name tattooed on your feet. Was she  bummed that you misspelled it?
(Laughs) No, it’s “Invisible moving the visible” It’s a biblical quote from John. From the New Testament of the Bible.

Uh, what’s that?

Who’s John?
The Book of the Bible.

You lost me.
You’ve never read the Bible? Am I the only one who reads this stuff?

Dude, I hear you. The phone hasn’t cut out, but I just don’t understand what you’re talking about.
Jeez, man. I thought that it was still the number one manufactured book in the world Isn’t it like in hundreds of languages or something?

Bahbel?  Bibal? What was it again?
Bible. B-I-B-L-E.

Dude, I just don’t know what you’re talking about. Let’s just move on. So now that you’ve conquered skating, acting, and music, have you considered professional modeling? I saw your head-shots. Tell me about the head shot process.
Well, I needed pictures of me ‘cause it’s standard practice. So I called up my friend that’s a photographer. We looked up head-shots on the internet, and I said “Let’s try and copy that one.” so we copied that one and that’s how it panned out.

Alright, that’s boring. Would you rather people know you as Canadian or Zorkanian?
(To everyone he’s with) Would you rather call me Canadian or Zorkanian? Canadian? Canadian? American?

Is Jordan Hoffart an American?
No, I’m Canadian. Let’s just stick with Canadian. In print, just to be safe, let’s stick with Canadian. I don’t really want special forces to raid my house because of what I said.

Now that you live in SoCal, how did you feel leaving your home?
I like Southern California. The weather’s been great since I’ve been down here, dude. I just skate all the time.

So you’re not really bummed that Zorkania was destroyed by the evil galactic overlord Hedion.
Well, I just can’t go there anymore. That was so long ago. I arrived on a rocket ship when I was a baby. And so I was raised by a surfer named “Skip.” And I got advice from Ellis.

This is where the tape runs out. My memory is a little fuzzy because of a bottle of whiskey that my upstairs neighbor had. We’d killed it waiting for Jordan Hoffart to call back. Suffice to say, Jordan and I kept talking for about twenty more minutes. I had two focal points on this interview; one that is obvious from this interview (ragging on his Zolar role). The other was scamming on his older sister. Jordan informed me that she had a boyfriend who was much larger than I am. Regardless, anything that you read that you didn’t understand probably relates to his lead role in Zolar: The Extreme Sports Movie. This kid is good. Pay attention.

Backside Tailslide

Backside Tailslide

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