I have an absolutely horrible memory. I seriously can’t remember a goddamned thing–especially when it comes to practical things like memorizing my social security number or nailing down the time difference between California and New York. With that being said, some of my most precious adolescent sexual experiences would have been as good as a dubbed over porno–if it weren’t for my extremely potent and unexplainable visual association with the boards I rode during those years of experimentation. For some reason I can pinpoint every detail of my teen sex life, when recalling the board I was skating at the time. Read on as I flex a skill that has absolutely no relevance in this life whatsoever.
This was my first pro board that was given to me by my pops on Christmas of 1987. I was pretty young at this time so not only was I fully unaware of the fact that Mr. Gonzales was Hispanic; I also had no idea that my fully bald pee pee had a separate function outside of pissing and retracting into nothingness during the long winter months. There was no sex for me during this boards duration, but it did set me up for a lifetime of awkwardness based on the fact that I was now labeled, a “skater fag.”
Mike Vallely Barnyard Deck
Ever play seven minutes in heaven? Well I did while this board lay next to my lucky dame and I. Pushed into a large walk-in closet by some friends who I’ll forever be grateful to, me and Joanne got crazy horizontal on a mound of her moms dirty laundry. I innocently explored Joanne’s belly and boobs. For a good ten minutes, I ‘felt up’ what I thought was her sharp-ass little boobies. As I moved my hand upward and touched a brassiere, I was made aware of the fact that I had been fondling her ribcage. I eventually found her boobies and kneaded them like pizza dough!
Alien Workshop Duane Pitre Notebook Series Deck
This was a good board but it lost its pop fairly quickly. It didn’t really matter because about a week into riding it, I completely destroyed my ankle. Folding it completely in half down a lame set of four stairs–I tore every muscle, tendon and ligament under my skin. Out of commission for four months, it gave me plenty of time to perfect the art of hip pumping. I played the sympathy card real well and exaggerated my struggle to move on crutches. It attracted the attention of a wide-eyed girl by the name of Marrisa. I lost my virginity to her as I elevated my ankle in order to reduce its swelling. I used a condom that came in the small pocket of a pair of Foundation jeans. The condom worked great, but I didn’t. I didn’t give a shit. My penis had climbed Vagina Mountain and I was now a warrior.
Real Salman Agah Slick Bottom Deck
I fucking loved this board and learned a lot of tricks on this one, most importantly frontside flips and the art of rounding third base. My older brother once gave me the worldly advice to ‘finish with my lips what I couldn’t take care of with my hips.’ I tried my best to adhere to this rule. I remember coming face to face with the female genitalia. It was a scary thing–sort of like that scene in Aliens when the alien breathes right on Sigourney Weaver’s face. Though in time I became accustomed to the glorious sight of this facet of female anatomy, my frontside flips never were quite as good as they were on this board. You can’t have it all, I guess.
During the time I rode this board, I learned switch 360 flips for one day. Though I never landed one of those fuckers again, I was introduced to a certain technique that was to set the standard for every lady to live up to. Up to this point, my experiences in getting BJ’s were exemplified by enough scraping of teeth to erode the surface of a goddamned stucco wall. If I ever run into Erica again, I made myself a promise that I will propose to her mouth.