Time To Embrace Genetic Engineering

Time To Embrace Genetic Engineering

By Rory Parker

There was once a time, if you can believe it, when genetic engineering was considered a miraculous cure all that would one day solve world hunger and save the human race from extinction.  Our nation dreamt of basketball-sized strawberries that never rotted, dipped in the cream of cows that never went sour.  Nowadays, of course, this isn’t the case.  Good liberals fear the impact that modified organisms can have on the world.  Superpests, superplagues, giant man eating carrots that roam the streets at sundown; these fears have invaded our zeitgeist and stopped the once seemingly inevitable forward march toward plenty.  But this needn’t be the case.  Our country should set an example for the world, and increase funding for genetic research to heretofore-unseen levels.  And when we finally open our eyes and start splicing shit together, I think the following would be a good place to start.

1. BEARFFULO:
Let’s be honest, in order to get government funding for a project like this, we’re going to have to appeal to the warmongers who run things.  This is where the bearffulo comes in.  Combing the strength and sturdiness of a buffalo, with the battle maddened killing power of a bear, the bearffulo would be an unstoppable killing machine with the ability to both transport large amounts of goods and fuel itself off the fallen bodies of our enemies.  And imagine the look on their faces when our newly reformed cavalry units ride into battle atop the backs of these awesome beasts.  Shock and awe indeed.

  2. DOGPHIN:
The spectacular ocean going nature of the dolphin, mixed with the retarded loyalty of the common dog would combine to make the best personal water craft ever seen.  Give ‘em floppy little legs so they can load themselves onto a boat trailer and, before you know it, millions of drunken trailer trash would be zipping about Lake Havasu on them, swilling Coors Light and showing everyone their wives’ new tits.

3. KANGORRILLA:
Perfect for the inattentive parent, these crimes against nature would be able to safely and warmly protect and confine any young child.  The inherrent motherly nature of the gentle Mountain Gorrilla will ensure that the child is well cared for and duly protected in case old Uncle Diddlefingers want to play “naked movie star.”

4. WHEAGLE:
Able to cruise for long distances at thirty thousand feet and carry a load of two hundred passengers, the Eagle- Whale hybrid could revolutionize the air travel industry.  Every trip would be like the end of The Neverending Story, only without the weird adolescent sexual awakening vibe.

5. OFFIPIG:
Half cop, half swine, these splendid creatures, well they wouldn’t be much different at all.  But they’d be funny.

6. GUINEA PIGLET:
Pink, pocket sized, and pork flavored, these would be just the treat for the health conscious man on the go.  Just don’t try sneaking one in temple.

7. KOMANATEE:
Mother Nature missed a sure thing when she decided to forego crossing the mighty Komodo Dragon with the gentle giant of the mangrove forest, the manatee.  Not only would they look really cool, but they’d have a boundless supply of patience and be willing to pose for pictures with gaggles of sunburnt tourists.  We could import them to impoverished island nations and help jump start tourist industries, or equip them with cannons and use them to launch a sea-based assault on the same impoverished island nations.

8. DONKEEL:
Donkeel- Donkey + eel = a surefire hit among Japanese fetish websites.

9. PENGUIRHANA:
Another one for the war minded set, a deadly fish and a penguin would, in packs, be able to decimate entire platoon of enemy combatants within seconds.  Their fearsome cry would make the blood run cold in your veins and your bowels loosen.

10. ELEPHLAME THROWER:
Because an elephant that could shoot fire out of its trunk would be the sickest fucking thing in the world. Ever.

 

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