On this page in the last issue I wrote about how I had pissed away our final deadline by drinking beer and watching a couple of blue jays make a home in a tree next to the office. I didn’t realize it at the time but the two jays turned out to be a mamma and papa blue jay. I now know this because a beautiful little blue jay chick emerged from the nest. It was so cute with its new downy feathers and delicate little beak. Over the course of several weeks I watched the family happily raise their offspring. In order to help Papa Jay be a strong provider for his new young family, I bought some peanuts for them. Pretty soon he was nearly taking the nuts right from my hand. It was clear that they trusted me and had accepted me as one of their own. Pappa Jay would hop right through the open office doors and demand his peanuts with a deafening screech. “Okay little buddy, I know you’re hungry,” I would chuckle as I reached into the bag of nuts I kept in the top drawer of my desk. He’d snatch the peanut up, hop out the door, fly off, and we were both happy. We had all become one big happy family.
The little chick began to leave the nest and not quite having mastered the art of flight, would hop around under the tree while mom and dad proudly watched. Everything was going great! Look how junior is growing!
One morning while milling about outside I found the chick’s lifeless body covered with ants. It had died. Its death had affected me profoundly. Why? Why did this happen? I vowed right then and there that I would get revenge on whatever creature did this to my winged friend. I would make it my life’s mission to avenge the bird’s death.
During the course of the next several weeks every cat that prowled within the vicinity of the office was subject to my racial profiling. Upon interrogation, if the cat seemed the least bit suspicious, I’d lock them up in a cage I’d constructed behind the office. It was my very own Guantanamo Bay detention facility. Though I fed the cats very well I began to torture them, to get information, of course. Because they were classified as enemy combatants I didn’t have to worry about legal action being taken as a result. Before long cats from other areas came to the office with explosives strapped to their furry little backs. A full-blown cat insurgency was now on my hands.
Within a few weeks, death and destruction were everywhere, the office was no longer a place to make a skateboarding magazine instead it had become a forward operating military base in the war against the growing cat uprising. It was quite a mess. With mortality all around us and no end in sight, we decided that we should devote this issue to the subject of death, perhaps we could learn something from it that could help us find a way out?
This issue’s for you little birdie, RIP.
Disclaimer:
Relax, animal lovers, don’t bother calling Peta on me. I, in no way, condone or encourage the harsh cat interrogation techniques described above. *
* Unless, of course, the cats have information that is critical to global war on terror.
Untitled Document
BY JAY RIGGIO
SKATEBOARDING HAS, ON COUNTLESS OCCASIONS BEEN DESCRIBED AS SOMETHING THAT IS “TRULY FREE,” OR SOME HIPPY DIPPY SHIT LIKE THAT. WELL I GOT NEWS FOR YOU SKYNARD, THE ONLY TIME I’M FREE IS WHEN I’M SLEEPING. YOU SEE, I HAVE A GNARLY CASE OF SOCIAL ANXIETY. DROP MY ASS IN CLEAR VIEW OF THE PUBLIC AND YOU GOT YOURSELF A GODDAMNED LUNATIC ON YOUR HANDS. MY HEART FEELS AS IF IT WILL POP OUT OF MY CHEST ANY MINUTE AND THE FEELING OF ONCOMING DEATH IS SO STRONG, IT’S HARD TO BREATH. THE FOLLOWING IS AN INSIDE LOOK AT THE VARIOUS ANXIETIES I FIGHT OFF EVERYDAY AS I ATTEMPT TO LOSE MYSELF IN A SKATE MISSION. PERHAPS THIS ARTICLE WILL LEAVE YOU FEELING AS IF YOU ARE NOT ALONE, LIKE THERAPY, OR THAT MICHAEL JACKSON SONG. Read More
A FRIEND OF MINE ORIGINALLY DID THIS INTERVIEW WITH MATT DRYER BUT IT SERIOUSLY SUCKED. IT TOUCHED ON EVERY ONE OF THE STANDARD, LAME THINGS, WHICH ONE COULD INTERVIEW AN UP AND COMING SKATEBOARDER ABOUT. WHAT SIZE SETUP HE RIDES, WHO DOES HE LIKE TO SKATE WITH, WHAT TRIPS HE HAS BEEN ON, WHAT TERRAIN HE LIKES TO SKATE, ETCETERA, ETCETERA. BORING, TO SAY THE LEAST. IN ALL FAIRNESS THOUGH, A FEW OF HIS QUESTIONS EVOKED A COUPLE OF WORTHY RESPONSES SO I POACHED THEM. THERE HAD TO BE MORE TO DRYER. THIS WAS, AFTER ALL, THE DEATH ISSUE AND THE ORIGINAL INTERVIEWER HADN’T ASKED HIM ANY QUESTIONS ABOUT DEATH. DEATH IS A SUBJECT THAT COULD FIT SO WELL WITH DRYER SINCE HE SKATES SOME OF THE SKETCHIEST THINGS IMAGINABLE. YOU MIGHT DRIVE BY A SPOT A THOUSAND TIMES AND WRITE IT OFF AS UNSKATEABLE, TOO GNARLY, FOR EVEN THE MOST ADVANCED. MATT MIGHT VERY WELL BE THE ONE TO BREAK OFF THE IMPOSSIBLE AT THE SPOT. WHAT MOTIVATES HIM TO RISK HIS LIFE ON A DAILY BASIS? IT WAS TIME FOR ME TO FIND OUT. –MIGDOL Read More
DUE TO A LOUSY CORDLESS PHONE, I WAS STRUGGLING TO MAKE OUT WHAT WAS SAID AT SOME POINTS DURING THIS INTERVIEW WHEN I LISTENED TO THE TAPE TO TRANSCRIBE IT. IT MAY NOT BE 100% ACCURATE BUT I DID THE BEST I COULD. I GUESS MAYBE IÍM NOT SUPPOSED TO WRITE ABOUT STUFF LIKE THIS Ñ LIKE, JOURNALISTS ALWAYS PRETEND LIKE THEY’RE SO COOL AND ON TOP OF THEIR GAME, BUT FUCK THAT, DUDE. I BARELY EVEN KNOW WHAT IÍM DOING. SO ANYWAY, HERE IT IS AND I SURE HOPE ITÍS WORTH IT, BECAUSE I COUNT MYSELF AS A NEW FAN OF THESE GUYS, AND THEIR NEW RECORD IS KILLER. IN THE END THE NOISE GAVE WAY TO SOME CONVERSATION, AND HERE’S SOME STUFF THAT ALEX LINARES, GUITARIST OF THE BAND FINCH, HAD TO SAY. Read More
BY RORY PARKER
TO BE COMPLETELY HONEST WITH YOU, FROM THE START I WAS A LITTLE CONCERNED ABOUT HOW THIS WHOLE PATRICK MELCHER ARTICLE WAS GOING TO TURN OUT. I'M A HUGE FAN OF THE GUY AND I WAS MORE THAN A LITTLE WORRIED THAT HE'D THINK I WAS A KOOK AND BE OVER THE WHOLE THING. IT'S BEEN KNOWN TO HAPPEN BEFORE, SOME PEOPLE AREN'T INTO MY BEHAVIOR AND I CAN BE A BIT OF A PRICK AT TIMES. ON TOP OF THAT I'D HEARD RUMORS THAT THE GUY IS A BIT FULL OF HIMSELF AND CAN BE DIFFICULT TO DEAL WITH. I'M HAPPY TO REPORT THAT NEITHER OF THESE TWO THINGS TURNED OUT TO BE THE CASE. I MANAGED TO KEEP MY PERSONALITY UNDER CONTROL, AND PATRICK IS A SUPER FRIENDLY GUY WHO WAS MORE THAN HAPPY TO SIT DOWN WITH ME FOR A WHILE AND SHARE HIS THOUGHTS. Read More
Alex Carolino: "It is now that I know I am alive. What happens afterwards is of course a little more uncertain. I am therefore praying for this life." Read More
