>> Alex Chalmers - Ollie
Photo: Jody Morris.

>> Chris Senn Tailsliding A Great Big Wall in China. The Shanghai Skatepark. Photo: Brian Fick

>> Dan Carreiro Transfer Plants one to Fakie.
Photo: JUSTIN KEENA

>> Tim Johnson Frontside 360 Stale Grab Transfer.
Sequence: Brian Fick.

>> Ryan Gallant - Kick Flip Backside Nose Blunt Slide.
Sequence: Jody Morris.

>>Here's our Art Director, Matt Kriegel - Frontside Grind to Revert.
Sequence: Brian Fick

>> Leo Romero - Nose Grind
Sequence: Blair Alley.

>> Lincoln Ueda - One Footed Lean Air.
Photo: Jody Morris.

>> Mike Peterson Back Tails over the hump.
Photo: Brian Fick

>> Tim Johnson Nose Pick to the Cow Bell.
Photo: Brian Fick

There are people in this world I’d rather not know. I used to think that if a person rode a skateboard, he or she couldn’t be entirely bad. Then I got wise. Idiots and Assholes are now pervasive enough that I encounter them in pretty much any and every social situation. Skateboarding included. Here is a sample of the “Undesirables” and how to handle them.

Product-scavengers: These are the kids who ask you for your wheels and trucks when you snap your wood. Perhaps they saw you land a kickflip, assume that you’re sponsored, and ask you for free stickers. Maybe you set your baseball cap on the side of the park, and they ask if it’s yours. Then the product scavenger asks if they can have it.

Protocol: Make fun of the kid’s gear in front of all of his friends and/or peers. Or tell him they sell whatever he wants at the local shop.
Bring money.

Tagalong (or Crazy Joe, as we call ‘em): Many times the lone wolf will appear at the skatepark. Many times, his friends just couldn’t go with him for whatever reason, and he just wanted to skate. Beware of the skateboarder without friends; there might be a reason he’s alone. You might just end up skating with a bonafide psycho. Be careful who you might invite over to your house after the session, because they might not leave. Then they know where you live. Then videos and your porn stash start to grow legs and walk off.

Protocol: As this one has happened to me a couple times, I recommend preventative measures. If you meet a loner that seems cool, get a phone number and meet them for a session next time. Meet them for drinks at a bar after a session, not at your house. Curtains and deadbolts.

I-Pod Jockey: I’m all for music. I’m all for skating with music. I’m also into not being oblivious to my surroundings. Not being able to hear is not an excuse to snake. One ear, maybe. Full phones; get the fuck out of here.

Protocol: First, determine if said offender could beat you in a fight. If not, puff up your chest on the deck and march up to the idiot. Make eye contact while making the-victory-sign-at-your-eyes-to-point-with-index-finger, repeat twice (also known as the “I’m watching you”) at the dweeb. Then, speaking forcefully, say “Hey, Asshole. Remember me. If you cut me off again I’m going to beat your fucking ass.” If the offender could whoop your ass, go sly. Remember, he can’t hear you. When he and his posse aren’t looking, “lose” your board in his general direction, or in the deep end when he’s cruising fast and unassuming. But please, be discrete. For your sake.

Playground Refugees: Remember when you were a kid and the teeter-totter and swing set got blown out? You just wanted to find a fresh spot to play jacks and hopscotch? Kids today don’t look any further than the public skatepark. I’ll tolerate BMX and fuck, I can’t believe I’m writing it, rollerblades to an extent. At least those kids are moving. Quarterpipes are not to be slid down without a skateboard. Chasing boys around the flat-bottom (sans skateboards) not allowed. If you don’t know if you can’t get back out, don’t go in.
Protocol: No mercy. RC cars die by my hand. Tell these kids to beat it, and then tell them to come back with a skateboard. Or bite this one:
You to kid with legs dangling in: HEY!! YEAH, YOU! Do you know the way?
Kid: What?
You: Do you know the way?
Kid: What?
You: The way. You’re right fucking in it. MOVE!!!!
Obscenities are encouraged, as they intimidate small children.

Not every session at the park is the perfect mix of people. Be patient and share, but if something gets in the way of your skating, change it. Don’t sacrifice your enjoyment to watch recess. How else are the mouth-breathers of the world going to learn park etiquette? Oh, from Superdad, that’s right.

Superdads: There are four kinds of Superdads: Rad, Fad, Pad, and Mad or Bad. They aren’t entirely “undesirable,” but they’re hardly enjoyable across the board.

First off, Rad Dad: These skateboarders have always skated and almost coincidentally, have children that they skate with. These guys pass skate knowledge to their kids, and are generally tolerable to skate with.

Fad Dad or “used-to-skate dad.”: These guys skated back in the day, and quit caring about the rollerboard when they were old enough to drive, found girls, joined a fraternity, or any combination of the above. Now that Junior is old enough to watch the X-Gaymes, he bought a shredstick, and thinks he can pick up wherever he left off. Fad Dads are smart enough to stay out of the way, and might even be the first to cheer when you do something sweet. Also tolerable.

Pad Dad: Just started, knows little about skating, but can’t lose face in front of his child. This is the skatedad who reads about skating on the internet. This guy is the one who rocks full pads and a longboard at a street park. Pad Dad will ask you “So, are those wheels 98 durometer? 99? I really like these 78A’s.” You can’t really fault the guy for wanting to learn, but he’s not willing to accept that his eight-year-old kid knows more about skating than he does. That, and the beatings that this guy takes are entertaining.

Protocol: You can be nice to this guy. Give him advice that he can pass along. Casually mention how the uneducated keep getting in your way. Tell him he’d have more control with a shorter board. Point out instances where gapers are obviously oblivious. To avoid this guy is easy; just don’t skate on Saturday at a known suburban skatepark.

Mad or Bad Dad: He’s the worst (Bad Dad) and angry (Mad Dad). He’s the non-skating protector of his child’s universe. The male counterpart to the soccer mom. The only difference is that he gets out of the minivan. He’s the guy that yells at you when you tell his idiot child to move. He’s the guy that barks at you when you light up a cigarette within ten yards of his kid. He’s the guy in Teva sandals with his polo collar up. Oh yeah, he’s that guy. He’s angry because his kid skates and he doesn’t. For whatever reason, he won’t skate, but he’s not scared to be an “involved” parent.

Protocol: This guy has no board to stand on. At the first sign of trouble, put him in his place. Question his parenting. Challenge his manhood. You can bring this guy to a boil all you want. He’s not going to swing at you in front of his kid. Not when he sees your friends (and he doesn’t know which skaters there are your friends, if any). He might bark, but unless you swing first, he won’t bite. So, ignore him if you want, humiliate him some, teach his kids swear words, whatever you want to do, go for it. He can read in the car.

Dishonorable mentions:
Incorrect nomenclature kid, inquisitive of your abilities
example: (“Can you drop that?” “Can you allie?”)
Ten year old kids who want a cigarette
Look at me kids.
example: one eye skating, one eye watching people watching him skate
Snakeboard, Razors, Snakeboard with two wheels, Longboarders, etc.
Kids who call “Dropping,” “Going,” or “My turn!”
Mooches (and the author is guilty)

-Special thanks to “Billy the Kid Killer” Coulon, Nick “The Dick”
Ferber, and “Bustin’” Justin McDowell.