Andrew Hugg. Roof Gap to Sidewalk. Photo: Shad Lambert

Daniel Shimizu. Front Nose Slide to Backside Noseblunt Transfer. Photo: Shad Lambert

Matt Hanson. 180 Ollie Floater into the curb cut.
Photo: Garric Ray

Chris Haslam. 5-0 to Fakie. Sequence: Jody Morris

Jereme Rogers. Switch Krooks. Photo: Jody Morris

Despite what liberal humanists might claim to the contrary, humans in general are naturally vicious, bloodthirsty animals. We hate and hurt and maim and kill whenever given the opportunity, and, when provided the facelessness of a mob, are capable of atrocities that chill the soul. Nowhere is this more apparent than when man makes a sport of pain and death. Be it for profit, or merely amusement, the average person is capable of an inhumanity that would make Satan himself jealous. Below we take a little look a some sports that only the evil mind of a man could conjure.

Brummy and the Bulldog
In 1874 a dwarf named Brummy challenged a bulldog named Physic to a fight. Brummy had agreed to fight the dog on a bet, convinced as he was that no dog, “could lick a man.” The rules were set; both man and dog would be chained to the wall, Brummy would fight with his bare hands while wearing only a pair of pants, and Brummy would stay on all fours for the duration of the fight. The fight lasted eleven rounds, until Brummy knocked the dog out with a punch, but not without sustaining numerous deep bites. Though both animals suffered grievous injuries, in the end the human was declared the winner.

Cock Throwing
A popular sport for British children during the eighteenth century, cock throwing was a game that consisted of tying a rooster to a post and throwing weighted sticks at it, called coksteles, until the unfortunate bird died. Sometimes the bird would be stuffed into a jar to keep it from moving. A variation of the game was cock thrashing, wherein a rooster would be placed in a pit and blindfolded people would try to beat it to death with sticks.

Hog Dogging
Still practiced in the Southern US, hog dogging consists of a number of dogs being let loose into a ring to attack and subdue a hog. The most famous hog dogging completion is Uncle Earl’s Hog Dog Trials, first held in Louisiana in 1995 to commemorate a former governor’s one hundredth birthday. Five judges rate dogs respective abilities at baying (cornering and causing the hog to stand still). In an effort to be humane, any dog that bites and holds on for more than five seconds is disqualified. Opposition to the sport is countered with the fact that hog dogging is part of Louisiana’s culture and heritage. Just like racism and incest.

Fox Tossing
In fox tossing two people would stand approximately 25 feet apart, both holding one end of a webbed or cord sling that lay on the ground. An animal, most often a fox, would then be released from a cage and driven into the arena. At the moment it crossed the sling both individuals would pull on their ends, catapulting the unfortunate creature into the air. Heights of up to twenty four feet were recorded, and the animal was often killed by the fall.

Bullfighting
Everyone is familiar with bull fighting. Basically, it consists of a guy all duded up in sparkly clothes doing weird little dance moves at a bull until either he stabs it to death or it kills him. Bullfighting is still very popular in many countries, and as a rule the animals are treated very well before they are tortured and killed. The most glaringly unfair aspect of the sport is that if the matador kills the bull he is lauded as a hero, but if the bull kills the matador he is still killed.

Drawing the Badger
In drawing the badger an artificial badger den would be built, with a tunnel leading upward to the surface. The owner of the badger would place his animal in it, and then a dog would be released to climb into the tunnel and seize a very scared and pissed off badger. When the dog had a good enough grip his owner would grab it by the hind legs and drag it from the hole, while it still held onto the badger. The two are then pulled apart and the badger is returned to his den. This would be repeated for a minute, with the dog who could pull out the badger the most amount of times being considered the most “game.”

Tiger Baiting
Outlawed in the late nineteenth century, tiger baiting was a favored pastime of British colonial India. In essence the sport was comprised of a number of orphan Indian boys being tossed into a deep pit, wherein lived a hungry tiger. Despite such a simple premise the sport, and the betting that surrounded it, was a nuanced and complicated affair. Betting could be comprised of any number of aspects; including which would be last boy living, the manner in which the orphans were dispatched, and the amount of time in which the total sum of orphans would be killed. In 1878 a Colonel Boyd Chesterton held a Tiger Baiting in which more than two hundred unfortunates met their end. He was quoted as regarding the spectacle as, “A true measure of the common British grit and luster.”

Monkey Knife Fighting
Monkey knife fighting is not, to the best of my knowledge, real. But it would be pretty cool, at least in theory. The only problem I can see with it is, in the case of some sort of monkey rebellion, ala Planet of the Apes, we’d be in pretty big trouble if the little fuckers knew how to wield a wicked blade. I guess we’d just have to make sure they don’t ever learn how to use guns, so in case they ever did decide to revolt, we’d be in a good position to show them exactly who the dominant species is on this planet.