Recently, I had the poor fortune of traveling across this great country via the most economical option: Greyhound Bus. I know that your rich Mommy and Daddy prefer to fly your unappreciative, spoiled, worthless ass to wherever it is you might want to go. Not this guy. If I have to choose between $50 each way, or $300 each way, the Ulysses Grant note wins (That’s the fifty dollar bill, for the historically retarded). Here’s a short list of tips if you ever need to travel with the salt of the Earth.

Try to limit your luggage to carry-on. Backpack and a skateboard. If you check shit under the bus, you might just end up beating it to your destination.

Stock up on pills. Valium, Xanax, Ambien, and even Oxycontin (for those of you ready for that rung of the ladder) might just prove to be your best friends.

Always take the window seat. You can at least lean your head against the window to sleep. Aisle seats also make you vulnerable to anyone traveling from the front of the bus to the John.

Know where your bus changes are. Layovers aren’t significant unless you’re actually changing buses.

Don’t get left behind. Seriously.

Drink. But be discrete. Very fucking discrete. I saw no less than three drunkards expelled from the bus to wait until God-knows-when to continue their travels. Hard liquor pre-mixed in a Nalgene works. Don’t tell anyone. If you think the person next to you is a narc, don’t bother. If you are drinking, make sure you have enough cash on you for an emergency hotel room. Trust me.

Respect the driver. He’ll maroon your ass if he’s so inclined. He calls the shots. Listen to him, and treat him with the utmost respect. He’s in charge.

Bring nicotine gum, chewing tobacco, Camel Snus (if available in your part of the country), and cigarettes. Even if you don’t smoke. You will by the end of your trip.

Laptop with a DVD player. Two thumbs up. Headphones mandatory.

Don’t get busted smoking weed. Bring a one-hitter with the fake cigarette, for smoke breaks. Not on the bus. Ever.

Don’t sit immediately next to the John.

Conversely, don’t sit behind the driver.

Don’t sit next to toddlers, babies, or mothers of multi-racial children.

Find a seat-partner that is only traveling a short distance. The odds of you getting your own double seat are higher.

Bring this issue of Automatic. And the newest issue of Hustler.

Don’t bring kids. Better yet, don’t have any. Ever.

Neck-pillow: Good idea.

MP3 player: Good idea.

Keep your wallet in your front pocket, or any pocket that zips up. Know where your cash is, and don’t let anyone else know.

Be patient. You don’t have a choice.

Don’t pick up chicks. You’re better than that. Really, and I don’t even know you.

Don’t be a single woman without mace.

Don’t think that bus windows open. That being said, dook only at rest stops. Never sit down in the bathroom of a bus.

Don’t be the last person in line to board the bus. Poor people think that they’re the most important people in the world, too. Bottom line: if you don’t get a seat, you ain’t going. With the economy the way it is, expect every bus to be packed.

Look tough after you’ve sat down and maybe no one will want to sit next to you. Extra credit for not showering two weeks prior to riding.

If you’re traveling a long distance, look up old friends in cities along the way. Your tickets are good anytime, for any day. so spontaneously stop in Denver or Omaha or Phoenix for a few days.

Don’t separate your tickets yourself. Let the drivers do that. They’ll get pissed if you separate them yourself. Don’t know why; they just do.

Think of the bus as a rolling trailer park. Moving from convenience store to convenience store.

Remember that gas costs damn near five bucks a gallon in some parts of the country, and you’re smarter than that asshole with a Hummer.