David Gravett. Gap out to Nose Grind. Photo: Blair Alley
Issue 63
We are facing the imminent fall of civilization. This past month we have witnessed the near total collapse of our financial markets. The economy has gotten so bad and food has become so expensive that I’ve started growing our own produce in a beautiful little garden in the back yard. In the evenings I’ve taken to fishing, hoping to wrangle our protein requirements out of the ocean. Our backyard sits up against a mass of bushes that is home to, literally, thousands of plump, cat-sized rats. I haven’t resorted to eating them yet, but I am definitely ready should we need to. Right now I am focusing on fattening them up. They really do look like they will taste delicious, like little Cornish game hens, except with feet and long pink tails.
Through all of this, something strange has happened to me. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. I love it. Fuck the system, I’m ready to go back to basics and I have a feeling that you are too. This bad economy has been awesome for my lifestyle. The pressure is off. I’ve been able to take more time off than ever. (Notice we’re not coming out as frequently?) Skateboarders are natural survivalists and will thrive when the system falls. We can barter, we can trade, we can hunt and grow our own food, we can build our own shelters, and just imagine all of the skate spots that will pop up when businesses fail leaving all those vacant buildings. This will be the dawn of a new historical period. In this issue we figured we’d help our fellow skateboarders survive the collapse with a feature on wilderness survival (page, 42). Enjoy the issue and fear not, we’re going to be just fine. For all you readers in Idaho, if anyone is interested, we are down to barter some potatoes for ad space.
Untitled Document
THIS YEAR ASR INVITED US to hold our 5th Annual Automatic Magazine’s Battle Of The Shops at the San Diego Convention Center during their trade show. The space was perfect; the ground was beautifully polished concrete, AC was blasting, and the sound system worked flawlessly. No offense to our previous hosts but this space was leaps and bounds above the warehouse parking lots we’re used to throwing the contest on. Past years we’ve dealt with rough-uneven concrete, blazing death rays of sun, irate fire marshals, annoyed cops, and riotous crowds hell bent on destruction. Read More
My apartment was beginning to smell like something inexplicably awful. Stuck to the walls was a pungent stench consisting of two very distinguishable scents. It was the smell of farts and garlic. And being the guinea bastard I am, there was absolutely no question where they had come from. I needed scented candles badly in order to put an end to the aromatic madness lingering around me. Read More
Automatic Magazine's Guide to Wilderness Survival
Right now we are witnessing the beginning of the end of civilization. Our economy is unraveling right before our very eyes. Fear not, we are going to be just fine, but make no mistake; it is time to get serious. It’s time to enter survival mode. Skateboarding and skateboarders will survive and prosper from the demise of civilization.
Memoirs of a Team Manager
With Charlie Thomas
You think your job is difficult? Imagine managing a team of skateboarders during a time of a worldwide pandemic. Longtime team manager Charlie Thomas faces one such horror story below and lives to tell us about it. Read More
I noticed a fascinating thing on the little trip around this fucked up planet I just took. We all know that different countries have different cultures, people, food and languages; but there’s also something else that sets us apart from the weirdoes that live in other places around the globe. I’m referring to poop, of course. Different diets cause a veritable rainbow of turds, from little hard ones, to gushing black seas of stink. Thanks to the fact that I’m quite the dashing world traveler at this point, with all the inherent wisdom that comes with it, I thought I’d go ahead and share some of my ass based knowledge with you.
Mind you, this is important information. After all, since everyone in the world seems to be completely full of shit, it seems as though you might be able to better understand them, if only you knew what kind they had. Read More
Welcome to a special election coverage edition of Shop Talent. Now that I’ve formally tossed my own proverbial hat into the ring and will be running for President of this great country as a write in candidate I’ve come to realize the importance of polling my fellow citizens, if only to learn how better to manipulate their fickle opinions and consolidate my own power. (Note: Patrick kind of threw me off with his answers. I definitely did not actually expect the thoughtful responses I got to some of my retarded questions. And I totally did not expect some seventeen year old skater to know who Henry Paulson is. Maybe there’s some hope for this country after all. (Probably not though.) Read More
David Gravett. Gap out to Nose Grind. Photo: Blair Alley
