My apartment was beginning to smell like something inexplicably awful. Stuck to the walls was a pungent stench consisting of two very distinguishable scents. It was the smell of farts and garlic. And being the guinea bastard I am, there was absolutely no question where they had come from. I needed scented candles badly in order to put an end to the aromatic madness lingering around me. Five minutes later, I found myself in my local pharmacy, scanning the shelves for something sweet smelling and ready to burn. Alongside me was my dog, Rosie. As I scanned the aisles for candles, I received a reply from Tanner Zelinsky about the interview I was supposed to do with him. Just then, as I completed reading Tanner’s message, Rosie squatted and began to shit, right there in the appliance aisle of my neighborhood pharmacy. Lucky for me, she eats her own poo and quickly lapped up her own sausage logs like a handful of chicken tenders. But I couldn’t help but take Rosie’s sudden act of public indecency as some kind of camouflaged message. It was up to me to decode her action. It wasn’t until the next day that Rosie’s message was revealed. The stock market plummeted and the profound depths of our nations financial troubles had surfaced. Migdol called me frantic, about the eventual worthlessness of the paper dollar and the demise of humanity as we know it. But me, I couldn’t concern myself with such trivialities. I had seen photos of Tanner’s girlfriend online and could think of nothing else but her angelic skin and buttery ass. The following interview was performed by Migdol and myself, us each focusing on questions we deem vital to the survival of mankind.
- Jay Riggio

RIGGIO:
So Tanner, when Migdol assigned me this interview, I didn’t know much about you, so I googled your name. It led me to your Myspace page. The one thing that caught my attention beyond everything else is just how hot your girlfriend is.
(Laughs)
I’m serious. On a scale of 1-10, she’s a shiny fucking ten! How did you meet such a fine, fine piece of ass?
It’s kind of a long story. We actually dated in high school. We grew up in the same town called Twain Harte in California. We dated for like two weeks in high school and then she moved away to Venice for 8 years. And we didn’t see or talk to each other for that period of time. Then we met again through Myspace, which is kind of funny. She lived in the city and I lived in Santa Cruz and we started hanging out again and I started taking the train out and visiting her.
Were you nervous the first time you guys had sex? God, I’d be so nervous!
(Laughs) I was wasted, so not really.
What’s the craziest place that you and your girlfriend have had sex?
On a plane, in first class seats, on our way to Hawaii.
It must be difficult to hang onto that little cherub? I mean, dudes must creep on her all the time?
Yeah, pretty much.
Have you ever received an indecent proposal?
Yeah a little bit.
Really! How much did they offer?
Oh no, no, no. Sorry, I didn’t hear what you said.
Oh, ok. Cause I’d be willing to drop 7 thousand for a night with her.
(Laughs)
I would. But I always said to myself that if I were to let a stranger impale my girlfriend, it would not only have to be for the right price, the penis of the man doing it would have to be my exact length and width or smaller. No if, ands or buts about it.
(Laughs) Yeah, for sure.
I’m sure you’ve heard all the stories about Ryan Sheckler’s mom allegedly being humped at Tampa Am back in the day. It’s pretty much a fact that bringing a pretty lady around any skate event is dangerous. Skaters are pirates and will stop at nothing to steal ones lady. Ever worry that you’ll end up having her swiped up by some big name pro, like Andy McDonald or Nyjah Huston?
Ah, it’s not too bad. There’s been a couple times when she came out and met me at a Tampa Am last year and we were out partying and yeah, if you walk away and turn around and look, there’s like 5 dudes all trying to mack it. But she’s tight. She doesn’t lead’em on or nothing like that. She’s actually kind of a bitch to people when they hit on her. It’s funny.
Tell me a story of having to defend her honor, like in the Karate Kid II?
Um, I can’t really think of anything particular. I definitely would though.
I thought Chris Cole had the hottest girl in skateboarding. But I’ve reconsidered. You’re lady takes the ice cream cake.
Nice, thank you.
Come to think of it, you’re surrounded by tasty trim. You’ve got Leticia over at Consolidated too. She’s a little angel-faced dumpling. What does she even do over at Consolidated?
She pretty much runs it. Takes phone calls, sets everything up. She pretty much does everything. She’s great.
Have any of the team riders gotten with Liticia?
(Laughs) Not that I know of. I don’t think so. She’s pretty professional when it comes to that type of thing.

MIGDOL:
What are you going to do when all the banks fail and you are forced to survive in a post apocalyptic America?
Huh?
What are you going to do when there is no money and people are starving and fighting for whatever resources there are?
I haven’t really thought about it. It hasn’t come across my mind.
Have you heard what is going on? Do you watch the news or read the papers?
No not really, I don’t have a TV. Letica was talking about how the economy was shitty. That’s pretty much all I’ve heard.
So basically everyone in SF is just stoned and pretending that there’s nothing wrong?
Yeah, I guess.
Well let me tell you what’s going on Tanner. Some of our biggest banks and financial institutions have failed. This means that pretty soon you’ll go to buy a beer and a beer will cost more than $7000.00. Did you learn about the great depression in school at all?
Shit. Yeah I learned a little bit about it.
Okay well now that you know about it if there is a complete financial collapse and society as we know it falls apart, what would you do in this scenario? Where would you get water?
I get water from rivers and lakes and boil it to purify it.
Good Tanner, what would you do for shelter?
I guess I’d try and find a killer tree and build a tree fort somehow. I’d live in a tree.
That might be a good tactic.
I’d feel safer up in a tree off the ground.
So you’d get yourself out of San Francisco?
Yeah I guess.
Another good move. It’d be like Escape From New York, that movie with Kurt Russell.
I don’t think that I saw that. I met Kurt Russell before though. My family owns a resort in the Sierra Nevada Mountains. Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn spent a weekend there. I ended up hanging out with him poolside.
Was he cool?
Yeah they were both cool I guess.
Did you see Goldie Hawn’s Boobs?
She was actually super haggard.
Was Kate Hudson there?
No she wasn’t.
That’s probably why she is such a slut. They left her alone all the time. That would be a good start to your survival plan, to go back to the Sierra Nevada Mountains.
Yeah that would be a great place to survive.
There are deer up there. You could hunt. Did you learn any wilderness survival skills growing up?
Yeah a little bit I never was Boy Scout or anything but I spent 13 years of my life up there running around in the woods and hunting with my dad.
Is it okay if I join you guys on your property?
Yeah you are welcome to.
Do you know anything about native plants? Like what kind of plants are edible?
I don’t know the names of them but I know of a couple of berry plants that my dad told me were good to eat.
Do you know Zarosh?
Yeah I know him.
Maybe we could get him up there after the collapse to build some rideable terrain? Zarosh would be a great person to survive with, that dude has been living like a wild coyote forever. Who would you want have with you after the apocalypse? Who would really be an asset in surviving?
My girlfriend.
Yeah but is she a survivor? Or would she be complaining that her fingernails are broken?
Yeah she is a survivor. She actually grew up on almost the same property that I did.
Who else would you want to bring? Who else would be the ultimate survivor to have with you?
My family.
Okay, your dad has guns and can hunt so yeah, I’d like to have him with us but..
I don’t know. Most of my friends aren’t from the mountains.
So yeah it probably wouldn’t be a good idea to bring your faggy hipster friends from SF with you.
Yeah pretty much.
I’m telling you right now you don’t want to bring dead weight with you. You really want to bring the right people. Your survival depends on it. If you start bringing a bunch of guys that are “cool” to hang out with in the “scene” they are probably not going to make the best survivalists. I say you leave them to perish.
Yeah.
You can’t fuck around. If you had to pick one well know skateboarder to come with you. Who would it be?
I think Karma would be a good candidate.
Why would he be good? Isn’t he a vegetarian?
Yeah he is.
I’ve got bad news for you. He’s probably not going to make it! Vegetarians will not survive the aftermath of the collapse.
Yeah he’s not going to find any Morning Star Farms soy patties out in the wilderness.
That’s right there are no Morning Star Grillers out there.
I think John Cardiel would be a good survivalist. He is a straight up survivor. He’d be good to have with me.
Ok. Cool, Tanner. Thanks for your time, man. Who do you ride for?
Consolidated, Krux, Bones Wheels, Skateworks and DAF and Matix is hooking me up with shit too.