We all know that different countries have different cultures, people, food and languages; but there’s also something else that sets us apart from the weirdoes that live in other places around the globe. I’m referring to poop, of course. Different diets cause a veritable rainbow of turds, from little hard ones, to gushing black seas of stink. Thanks to the fact that I’m quite the dashing world traveler at this point, with all the inherent wisdom that comes with it, I thought I’d go ahead and share some of my ass based knowledge with you.Mind you, this is important information. After all, since everyone in the world seems to be completely full of shit, it seems as though you might be able to better understand them, if only you knew what kind they had.

Argentina
Argentines love their meat, and their booze. Huge daily meals of steak and liberal doses of red wine and beer lead to a very pleasant, firm dump. The one wipe poop is fairly common in Argentina, though the country’s practice of partying until dawn every night and maintaining alertness during the day with liberal doses of very inexpensive and insanely pure Bolivian cocaine can often lead to the unexpected surprise poo, in which one is forced to make a mad dash for a toilet, ass cheeks clenched, praying that you make it to a squat before dropping yesterday’s 24 ounce steak down the leg of your jeans. Still, the Argentinean poop is overall a very mellow, pleasant shit, highly recommended by this traveler.

Nicaragua
Mainly due to its staple diet of Gallo Pinto, or red beans and rice fried in lard, this country is home to the rock hard, rabbit pellet variety of shits. Few and far between, the Nicaraguan turd is a frustrating beast, ejected from the colon at high speed and often leading to the dreaded toilet water splash back. Unsatisfying and infrequent, the Nicaraguan poop is not recommended for the unseasoned traveler, a daily dose of a high fiber supplement being necessary to avoid any gastric pain.

Morocco
Like their fabled hash, the Moroccan shit is light yellow in color, soft, and in plentiful supply. And, like the Moroccans themselves, it stinks to high heaven. Unfortunately, in a country renowned for it near insane disregard for even the most basic tenets of hygiene, regular, soft poops can cause a degree of trouble, especially for the unprepared Western visitor. Since Moroccans wipe their asses with their hands toilet paper is nearly non existent. Also non existent are toilets that are not completely covered in the remnants of the previous occupant’s last falafel. Visitors should always be sure to carry TP with them wherever they go, as well as a bottle of Purell. You’d think a country that eats with its hands would learn to use something other than an eating utensil to rid their butts of softly caked poo, sadly this is not the case. Furthermore, the average Moroccan, despite a religious fanatic’s view of the naked body, thinks nothing of pissing or shitting wherever and whenever the mood strikes them, even if this happens to be a crowded sidewalk in the middle of the day in Casablanca. In short, just avoid the place, if at all possible.

Egypt
Similar to the Moroccan shit in color and texture, though perhaps a bit darker, the Egyptian poop is a most unpleasant affair indeed. However, the land that built the pyramids and invented trigonometry has learned that the typical tourist loath to squat over an unadorned hole and go through the whole stinky hand affair, and areas frequented by outsiders have thus adapted to western style bathrooms. However, your typical gippo sees no need to adopt similar practices, and this fact, coupled with a total disregard for western notions of personal space, forces the traveler to conduct the majority of conversations with the native population while holding one’s breath and speaking as quickly as possible, in order to more quickly end the interaction. A most dreadful place, with a misplaced notion of its own importance, Egypt should be similarly avoided at all costs. The pyramids are little more than an ancient pile of rocks, and to quote a Brit I met in Shanghai, “You think they’re bad now? You should have seen those animals before we got our hands on them.”

Tahiti
Due to a tainted buffet, the majority of this individual’s feces were a watery mess, ejected at high speed in between bouts of shivering and equally high powered vomiting. Furthermore, a robbery at the hands of a small brown monkey lead to an irregular diet and a lack of alcoholic libations. It is recommended that Tahiti be generally skipped over when planning a holiday, as the ridiculously high prices can be avoided by instead going to a many other countries where the ocean is just as beautiful, and the women don’t turn into 300 pound she beasts the moment they hit twenty one.

Turkey
Another country with a high proportion of meat in its diet, Turkish shits are large, hard, dark brown in color, and difficult to handle, much like the average Turk’s sense of national pride and inbred racism. The large population of Kurds are generally seen as thieving animals who would just as soon rape your wife as steal your car. Of course, it is not wise to point out that to western eyes Turks and Kurds look identical, lest you are drawn into an hours long lecture of how their country has invented everything from the airplane to the internet. On the bright side, hygiene standards are very high overall in Turkey, despite its large percentage of Muslims. This does not apply to citizens from its more isolated southern regions, where practices such as washing one’s hands and face in an airport urinal are seen as common and eliminate the necessity of taking three steps over to the sink where one could wash up in a generally piss free environment.

China
Chinese poops are very soft, light brown in color and lacking of a pungent odor. Hygiene standards are very high, and if you smell body odor in a crowded subway car it is most likely yours. There is, however, the unfortunate practice of stealing all of the toilet paper out of public bathrooms and then selling it to those who need it. Chinese toilet paper is, by and large, of above average quality, thus avoiding the feeling that one has just wiped his ass with a handful of twenty grit sandpaper. Public bathrooms are generally clean, though many employ the practice of simply building two troughs on either side of the room, one to piss into, and one to shit into. With an absence of stalls, it is a strange experience indeed for one who has never squatted shoulder to shoulder with a complete stranger and forced out a well digested hunk of street corner fried pigeon.

Thailand
Due to the spiciness of Thai food shitting in Thailand often leaves one with a smoking asshole and the impression that the sphincter has been doused in ten gallons of gasoline and then set aflame. Thankfully most toilets come equipped with a small hose located next it them, allowing the pooper to give themselves a refreshing blast of cool water, thus quenching the fire that threatens to turn your butthole into a smoking crater of agony. This also cuts down on the amount of skidmarked toilet paper that accumulates next to the toilet. Like many countries, Thailand does not have the best plumbing, and flushing TP will lead to clogs and flooding. Visitors who disregard the request to trash their poopy paper will soon find themselves ankle deep in a brown flood of epic proportions. As convenient as the hose is though, it is recommended that one tests the water pressure beforehand, as it varies widely. In some places the water comes out with enough force to etch glass, leaving one with the feeling that his or her asshole was just protesting for equal rights in the Southern US sometime during the 1960’s.

Cambodia
Khmer food is equally as spicy as Thai, inflicting the same butthole burn and feeling as though it had been the subject of a Vietnam era napalm strike. However, some unidentified variance of diet can lead to irregular bowel movements. This is rarely a problem however, as the cheap local beers often produce what is known in educated circles as the “Beerlovian Pooflex” in which the first beer at a bar causes the stomach muscles to clench and void. Since public toilets are rare and in generally poor shape it is suggested that any pooping which must be done is taken care of in the safety and cleanliness of the hotel room. It is also recommended that travelers keep a roll of toilet paper on them at all times, as for the generally hairless Khmers the hose/ bidet is enough to remove any unwanted particles. Those with a typically hairy western cornhole will need a bit more force than a splash of water to clean themselves up.