IPATH SHOES
Words By Rory Parker
Did you know that when you’re thrown in jail the first thing they do is take away your shoelaces? It’s true, people use them to try and commit suicide. All you do is tie one end to something high, like an exposed pipe, wrap it around your throat, and jump. The problem is, shoelaces aren’t long enough to give you the speed necessary to break your neck in the fall. Instead, what they do is crush your windpipe and give you an agonizing four to five minutes of life to regret what a stupid decision you’ve made. A friend of mine witnessed some ‘tard try to kill himself this way once. They were in boot camp (Navy) and the guy jumped off the top of the barrack stairs. Apparently, all that happened was this; this string broke, aforementioned idiot fell to the ground, bruised his tail bone, and had to spend the next few months in the brig, sitting on one of those little donut shaped butt pillows. He should be thankful he wasn’t in real prison, he’d still need the pillow, but for a completely different reason.
