Shiloh Greathouse | Issue 49

Shiloh Greathouse

WELCOME TO A NEW DEPARTMENT WE CALL SHIT TALK CORNER.

EACH ISSUE WE’LL GIVE ONE LUCKY HEAD THE OPPORTUNITY TO SPEW AS MUCH SHIT AS THEY CAN ABOUT A FEW RANDOMLY CHOSEN TOPICS WE PROVIDE FOR THEM. THE ONLY RULE IS THEY CAN SAY ABSOLUTELY NOTHING POSITIVE ABOUT THE TOPIC. IN THIS ISSUE OUR SHIT TALKER IS NONE OTHER THAN THE LEGENDARY SHILOH GREATHOUSE.

SAND
SHILOH GREATHOUSE: I hate sand! It gets in your butt-crack and ruins your bearings. One time I was at the beach when I was a stupid kid and my brother asked me if I wanted a sandwich, and you know what the main ingredient was? Sand! Another incident with sand was the time I was running down the street and one of those people who thinks its so cool to have sand in their front yard instead of grass, got sand all over the sidewalk and I slipped on it and broke my penis. Then again I shouldn’t have been running down the street naked with an erection. Sand is evil and it watches what your doing all the time. It watches you like when you were 12 and your mom would ask you, “What takes you so long in the bathroom?” and you said you were washing your hands, sand knew what you were doing with her expensive hand lotion. You know when you fall asleep with the TV on and you wake up in the middle of the night to that static shit? That’s not static that is sand watching you!

EL TORO
SHILOH GREATHOUSE:Fuck El Toro! That spots for pussies! What possesses random kids and pros alike to look at a twenty-stair rail and say it looks fun! It’s not fun! It was once cool when Heath and Arto skated the rail but now it’s become the pinnacle of a “ claim to fame” in skateboarding. It’s the first spot mentioned out of every skaters mouth when stating the impossible in skating, “What if I kickflip back nose blunted El Toro then I’d be pro”. I would rather see Josh Casper Benihana over Limp Biscuit fucking the Back Street Boys than watch another fame hungry kid huck his carcass down that rail or stairs. It should be mandatory for anyone who wants to attempt a trick at El Toro to learn frontside slappies first. I did enjoy watching “Ragdoll” jump down it and smack the ground, totally living up to his name, that was smart.

CHILDREN
SHILOH GREATHOUSE: Kids suck! They are always doing shit like playing and eating candy, they’re pretty much worthless for the first 2 years unless you can’t find a ball and you need something to play catch with, at least after that you can teach them how to curse and smoke, they also make good footstools. Another thing, it really pisses me off that they’re breathing up all my air. If I had it my way we would ship them all off to camps where they be forced to hula-hoop until they were 16 or able to ollie up a curb whichever come first, (girls would only have to stay until they were hot). The only thing good about kids is making them, or eating them.

CINCO DE MAYO
SHILOH GREATHOUSE: What the hell is Cinco de Mayo? I know it means the 5th of May. But seriously everybody uses it as an excuse to drive drunk and then crash into people’s houses and shit. You could ask almost anyone what this holiday means and they wont know or they’ll say its some kind of Mexican independence day, which its not. Every time this fake-ass holiday comes around I ask my Mexican friends what the fuck does it mean? They just yell, “Shut the fuck up and stop spilling your beer while your driving!” My friends and I don’t know shit.

Frontside Smith 180 out

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