It should be known that all facts in this interview regarding child psychology and the molestation rates of Long Beach, CA are more or less lacking a factual basis. My original plan in conducting this interview with Kurtis Colamonico was to provide a well researched and well informed piece involving the psychology of a rising skateboard star. However, upon beginning my quest for knowledge pertinent to the subject I quickly realized that I have absolutely no faith in the field of child psychology, nor in my ability to separate the grain from the chaff. As such I spent a mere half hour on a website devoted to Sigmund Freud, before being distracted by that siren call of internet activity: pornography. Again, Long Beach DOES NOT have the highest per capita child molestation rate in the world; nor is there, or has there ever been, such a thing as Sindelbaum Syndrome.
Before beginning the interview I’d like to state one more thing. I really enjoy interviewing these up and coming young rippers because I hope one day one of them will rise to international acclaim and remember me. Who knows, Kurtis Colamonico could end up the next Koston, and while I don’t know Koston, one day I can say I know Kurtis.
Alright, so, this being the Child Within Issue most of these questions are going to center around your childhood. What’s it like being a white kid growing up in Long Beach?
It’s cool, not too many people hassle. You can’t go skate in the ghetto, but?
Have you been to the new park?
Yeah, that new park is super fun, it’s in a pretty decent area.
I heard a bunch of guys rolled up and jacked all the skater kids for their IPods and MP3 players the other day.
Yeah, but it’s fun to skate, usually they don’t hassle the skaters too much.
I called around trying to get some info on Kurtis Colamonico but got the pretty typical, “Yeah he rips, he kills every spot” type thing, but I want to get something different going here. Have you ever taken any psychology classes, learned about Freud’s five stages of sexual development?
Nah, well, I’ve never taken any classes… I’ve taken Sex Ed, but?
This is a little different. I’m going to name the five stages and you try and guess what age they correspond to.
Okay Kurtis Colamonico at what age do you reach the oral stage?
Wait, wait, wait; I’m kind of losing you here.
When you’re growing up, developing sexually, you go through five different stages. Try and match the age with the corresponding stage. So, the oral stage.
Okay Kurtis Colamonico at what age do you get the greatest gratification from oral stimulation?
Oh! My age, like, sixteen?
Actually, the answer is from birth to eighteen months old. How about the phallic stage?
Phallic, as in penis.
I don’t know, like, two?
Close. It’s from three to roughly seven. The latent stage?
Dude, this is a crazy interview. The what stage?
Latent, when you’ve pretty much got no interest in it (sex).
That’s right. What about the anal stage?
The anal stage? Twelve or thirteen? I don’t know.
Actually, it from eighteen months to three or four years.
Oh shit. Why’s that the anal stage?
Because you like to poop. It feels good.
Oh shit, because it feels good. It probably did feel good back then.
The final one’s the genital stage. That’s the easiest one.
Uh, (long pause).
I’ll give you the answer. It’s from puberty, til‚ like, forever.
Has Kurtis Colamonico ever had any feelings of Oedipal rage?
It’s a whole Freudian thing about how at some point every male starts competing with his father for his mother’s affection. Were you raised by both your parents?
Yeah, they got divorced when I was ten.
Then you pretty much missed it. It’s after the story of Oedipus, how every guy secretly wants to kill their father and do their mother.
Damn, that’s crazy.
Since Kurtis Colamonico lives in Long Beach; did you know that Long Beach has the highest per capita child molestation rate in the entire world?
Yeah, actually, my girlfriend’s teacher was telling her about this website where they, like, list all the child molesters and where they live and shit. So, she went on the computer and found lots of‚ em, all over.
Switching gears; do you think you suffer from Sindelbaum Syndrome? It’s a neurosis that manifests itself in people who intentionally put themselves in harm’s way in order to attain the respect and attention of others.
Like, I don’t know. When you skate, you always put yourself in harm’s way. To get respect in the industry you’ve gotta pay your dues. Like, you gotta put yourself in danger, but it’s fun at the same time. So, yeah, I guess so.
In my research I found that pretty much every personality disorder linked to kids can be applied to pretty much every skater. Like, hurting yourself, destruction of property, disrespecting authority figures.
It’s ‘cuz they stay young.
Like arrested development?
Nah, I’m serious though. The skateboard industry is fucking awesome, people don’t act all stressed out and shit about their job. Most skaters are just skaters. I’ve been around guys, skated with them, and thought they were like twenty; and it turns out they’re like twenty seven, you know what I’m say’in. Everyone’s always acting young, so you can never tell.
So tell me a gnarly story about when Kurtis Colamonico was young. Like, I had a baby sitter who used to make out with me.
It was a chick, so it wasn’t super bad, you know?
I remember something that’s kinda crazy. I remember, when I was younger, smoking on the way to school. I thought it was all cool, I’d be in, like, the bushes. Then, after school my dad picked me up and drove straight to the liquor store and bought two packs of Pall Malls, like, unfiltered. I was, like, twelve years old and my dad’s all, “Since you think you’re such a cool smoker you’re gonna smoke all these right now.” I had to sit there for, like, two hours and smoke forty cigarettes.
Did it work?
Well, I didn’t smoke again until I was eighteen. And then, like, the next day I got caught rolling a joint in his bathroom. I got in trouble and he wanted to send me to rehab and I was like, “It’s just weed, dad.”
But, you still smoke cigarettes?
I quit until I was eighteen, and then on my eighteenth birthday I went and bought a pack.
So, subconsciously, do you think that was kind of like a “fuck you dad”? It’s the whole Oedipal thing, you’re a man so you challenge your father?
Yeah, pretty much. Like he said, “You can dye your hair when you move out.” So as soon as I moved out I dyed my hair.
Full on Oedipal shit right there. I mean, you don’t really want to kill him, but you want to put him in his place.
I did it because I wanted to see what his reaction would be. I love my dad, he’s, like, the coolest dude ever.
I think we’ve got a pretty good interview here. Sponsors?
Billabong, Furnace Skateshop, Circa flow, Clive, Nixon, Sushi Wheels, Venture Trucks, and World flow.
Anything else Kurtis Colamonico wants to say?
I’d like to thank all the homies that skate with me, and the guys I’ve been skating with, like Dennis Blue and Tom Curran from the Venture team’s cool, he hooked it up.