MASSHOLES | By Justin Keena

massholesBy Justin Keena
The house I live in ran out of oil last night and I when I woke up this morning my room was 52 degrees. I’m sitting here trying to think of some great things to say about Massachusetts and my fingers are so stiff I can barely hit the right keyts. 52 degrees! I’ve learned to pee in the morning using those wooden toast tongs rather than face the cold wrath of my own fingers. Welcome to Massachusetts! You can thank us Massholes for your freedom. The rest of the country owes their independence to some drunken Massholes who didn’t want to pay taxes to the British a few hundred years ago.

Although living in New England doesn’t necessarily make you an asshole, good luck staying cheery after surviving a few years here. The weather is bi-polar. From 100 degrees one season to below zero the next, you better be ready to adapt pretty damn quick if you plan on skating year round. One month you’re cliff jumping into a warm river, and the next you can’t go to bed without starting a small leaf fire for warmth.

Alex GourdourosALEX GOURDOUROS frontside big spin. Sequence: Nate Legdens

Worst of all, the highways have ROTARIES.  Ever heard of them?  Imagine an entire parking lot driving in a giant circle with half the cars entering, half the cars leaving, and everyone giving each other the finger.  You can just feel the love in the air. We have speed bumps the size of baby heads, and pot holes that you could sit in. You know those people that hold those “Free Hugs” signs in high foot-traffic metro areas?  Not in Boston.  Don’t even THINK about it.  And the nightlife? The bars in Boston close at 1am and the subway stops running 15 minutes before the bars!  This has the great effect of dumping hundreds of bitter, drunk massholes onto the roads and highways.  It’s like bumper cars for adults!
Crazy ChrisCRAZY CHRIS drop in. Photo: Keena
john desimasJOHN DESIMAS Rocket Wallie. Sequence: Xeno
Charlie WilkinsCHARLIE WILKINS Rail Ollie into a quick bank. Photo: Xeno

Skateboarding here requires some fortitude; there are cracks at every run-up, salty roads, chest high rusty rails, and endless broken bricks. Oh yeah, and we also have that one big East Coast obstacle: SNOW. Think you’ve got what it takes to skate in the ol’ MA?   Grab your gloves, your Bondo, your wax, your shovel, your sheet metal, your long underwear, and your 54mm’s. Life ain’t easy, but you learn to deal with the gnarly concrete. No wonder Masshole skaters kill it when they head out west.   Massachusetts is like that cute, quiet girl with glasses who suddenly busts out the whips and wax when the bedroom door is shut.  No one can predict her next move!  You have to be ready for change and even it might hurt a bit more than usual, you’ll be back for more.  Trust me.
Mack JohnsonMACK JOHNSON Smith Grind. Photo: Keena
Dan Carreiro
DAN CARREIRO The Flying Squirrel. Photo: Keena
Fritz Mead
FRITZ MEAD Frontside Feeble. Photo: Xeno
anti-masshole tactics

1 comment on this postSubmit yours
  1. I would disagree. Canvas on cukhcs may wear through in a day. Generally all the core skate companies are using a harder weighted product.I do prefer synthetic leather and other faux materials, but canvas is perfectly skateable.If you want companies to start making something different please send them email and feedback. The product managers for almost every company I post on are very respectful and receptive.

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