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Haunted Skate Park

haunted skate park

Story By Daniel E. Donche Jr.
Here: Perhaps when Jon Ponts dies his backside ollies will coome back and haunt this park for all of eternity. Photo: Rhino

My friend Merkin told me about a haunted skate park down by Port Jervis New York.  He told me that three skaters got indiscriminately slaughtered there and that the place has been haunted ever since. In the darkness they skate their ethereal asses off.   I was so intrigued by the story I became obsessed with skating the park for months.  I wanted to bring an exorcist with me and see if we could conjure up the ghosts of dead rippers.  I got a hold of this crazy exorcist bitch from Poland to find out if a person’s ghost will have more energy if they are brutally murdered. 

I found out that Merkin’s whole story was not true.  Not to worry though, this Polish exorcist said in broken English, “In the places, where, for example the group of persons were violently murdered usually their ghosts remain. In such cases, the living have the ability to sense the negative energy of the ghosts.”   I am now intent on making my own haunted skate park.  I feel it is only fair to myself, since I squandered inordinate amounts of money on extortionately high-priced gas and oatmeal cream pies to get down there, only to be sorely disappointed in the lack of phantom skaters. I was going to create a haunted skate park if it was the last thing I would do.

My first plan was to persuade some impressionable skaters into killing themselves at the skate park to create a haunted skate park.  I was going to do whatever it takes and not give up until I coerced someone into doing this.  I quickly found that no one would though, even though I mentioned how cool it would be cause they’d be ripping for all eternity after that.  I offered to pay them and said I’d bring them a chainsaw so they could kill each other like the way Ash did on Evil Dead.  I talked like Johnny Cochran.  And just when it looked like they were about to give in, a 5-0 showed up and I had to bail cause he thought I was dealing crystal meth.

I was at the end of my rope and there was still no haunted skate park.  I thought my quest was over.  It wasn’t until I’d spent my last bit of change on one of those candy necklaces that I realized what I needed to do.  I tried to buy a cemetery.

Or at least find out how much it would be to buy one.  Then, I could just build the skate park over it and piss off all the dead people there and it would become haunted like in Poltergeist, but without the midget with the creepy voice.  So I contacted this guy, RW, from the Final Arrangements Network, and he told me a single grave is, like, a thousand dollars.   Not to be daunted, I explained to him that money was no option for the client I represented.  I told him that my client had expressed to me a desire to purchase an entire graveyard.  Again, I talked just like Johnny Cochran.

This cunning marketing ploy did not work.  He was only good at selling them one or two or five at a time.  He couldn’t accommodate my client’s need and didn’t think anyone in the area could either.

So, broke and disheartened, I borrowed a cigarette from this kid at the junior high and hitchhiked back home, since I was by now out of gas.  I spent the entire week at work with only one thing on my mind besides sex, doing everything even more half-assed than I normally did and nothing I could engage myself in would brighten my spirits, not even alcohol.   I have to live my life not knowing if there really is a haunted skate park out there somewhere.  I will just live out my life like normal, not paying the rent, pissing in the shower.  That’s going to be my life, but it doesn’t have to be yours.  If you happen to die while skating at one of your favorite parks please make an honest effort to come back as a ghost and haunt the shit out of the place.

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