Aryeh Krause | Issue 64

Shop Talent, Aryeh Krause talks Unicorns

Words by Rory Parker. Photos by Austin Mayer

This interview is going to be about unicorns.

Unicorns, fucking awesome animals, with fucking horns sticking out of their head. Sick…

Have you ever seen a Unicorn?

Duh, in my dreams.

Who would win in a fight of a unicorn versus an Eskimo?

The unicorn. He would stick his horn up the Eskimos asshole, whatever that’s called, not sodomy…

Yeah, that’s totally sodomy.

Well, he’d like rape him with his horn. That sounds a little bit weird, like kinda homo shit…

No, not at all. It is, however, incorrect.

How’s that not the right answer? How would the Eskimo win, they don’t have any powers? A unicorn is a mystic creature.

Yeah, but the unicorn is a creature of peace, and tranquility.

But if it was a battle the unicorn would stand his ground and fuck him up. How is an Eskimo going to win?

He’d use a spear.

What, a spear against a horn on top of your head? A spear ain’t shit. A unicorn would use a force field or some shit and fuck the Eskimo up.

I hear what you’re saying but you’re still wrong. Unicorns are pacifists. They’re all about love.

But I see unicorns on the internet fighting.

That’s just a myth. Name three traditional uses for unicorn hair.

How would I know that?

I know it.

No you don’t, you’re just fucking around.

I totally know. I’m basically an expert on unicorns.

I don’t study unicorns. Fucking weirdo studying up on unicorns…

Dude I’m powered by unicorns.

Then you’ve gotta tell me.

The three uses are giving gay dudes back their virginity, as an all natural laxative, and to ward off Mormons.

Who created that shit?

What do you mean? Everyone knows that. Next question, true or false: Narwhals are retarded butt babies of a unicorn and a tuna?

I’m gonna have to go with false.

I’m sorry but you’re wrong again. True or false, a unicorn is just a gay horse?

True, yeah for sure.

Well, at least you got one right. If a unicorn agreed to spend the day with you what would you guys do?

Uh oh, this could be a scary answer. The answer would probably be gay butt sex, because the unicorn likes that, but…

Good answer.

No, no, no, no, no…I should have said we would go flying.

Yeah, but you said gay butt sex. It’s already been written down, you can’t change your answer. Do you ever wish you were a unicorn?

Duh, I totally wish I was a mystical gay creature that loves butt sex.

Aryeah would like to thank the following for all their help and support: Emma (mom), Abba (dad), Mishpakha (family), all my friends, Dream team, Purple Slurpy, anyone who has doubted me (you were probably right), everyone at 9 Star (you know if I should be giving you thanks), Keith and Greg at Addikt Skateboards (the trips have been enjoyable and the free boards have been great), Ej at Vans for making sure my feet are being taken care of, and to anyone who has ever filmed, shot a photo or has given me the time of day. That should cover everyone. Thank You!

Shop Talent, Aryeh Krause talks Unicorns

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Shop Talent, Aryeh Krause talks Unicorns


Shop Talent, Aryeh Krause talks Unicorns


Shop Talent, Aryeh Krause talks Unicorns

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